I made this.


Ever since I sent Dustin’s passport to him on a work trip (as his ID got stolen in a chain of mishaps that necessitated additional identifying documents) and put a bunch of unannounced glitter in the envelope too, I have been wanting to Create With Glitter.

I was passing a depressing lunch hour in the Target close to my work and happened upon an assortment of brown paper mache animals in the new crafts aisle. Yaaaasssss! And yes, I said this aloud, but thankfully my voice doesn’t carry. Like at all. I proceeded to purchase the t-Rex model and made a mental note to come back for the pig.

I acquired some orange glitter last week and tonight was the night! My plan was to spray the glue on and then shake that little guy in a large freezer bag full of glitter. This particular glue dries very fast, and I reasoned that it would be ideal for the shake-n-bake scenario that he would be facing. I really should have done a dry run first, because as soon as the glue was fully applied and I was .0456 seconds away from shoving him in the bag full of glitter, I realized my folly. There were two problems, actually. A two-fold folly, if you will.

My first thought was “shit, he is going to stick to the inside of the bag”, followed closely with “double shit, he is too big for this bag”. I set him down and my hands were already sticking to his body. Three-fold folly, I guess. left with no other options, I began madly flinging glitter around, dumping it on his body and trying to press it on his underbelly with my hand that is already coated orange glitter the size of a grain of sand.

More or less happy with the final result, but mostly wanting to get the glitter hand taken care of before it was too late, I went to wash my hands and mindlessly left a trail of orange glitter handprints not unlike the blue variety that Tobias left around the house on Arrested Development.

I actually had a wave of panic wash over me as I could NOT get that glitter off! By the old gods and the new, I have glitterscale – not that you can wash off greyscale! Fix yourself Sir Jorah, we need you to not be a bad ass stone man!

As I type this now, my left hand is still very sticky. I have glitter, sticky residue and now pug fur on that hand, and a mess out on the patio. But I am going back for that pig tomorrow.


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